Sassynurse's Blog

A sassy nurse living with invisible illness & trying to touch the world.

I’ve learned.. February 7, 2011

Filed under: Relationships/Family — sassynurse @ 5:34 pm

I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with you…r parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life.

I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.”

I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back.

I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.

I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.

I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn.

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

♥ Maya Angelou ♥

Great writing by Maya that I can 100% say that I have learned and live my life to always be learning. It’s all about what you make it. It gets tough and we all need to cry, scream or yell from time to time..but do it, release it.. let it go. Let it go by moving on from it… stop carrying heavy burdens every moment of the day…stop carrying the boulders of negativity.. and for the love of yourself.. stop carrying grudges.

Happiness is a choice. No matter how bad it is, it could ALWAYS be worse. Sometimes we have to remind ourselves of just how bad it could be in order to appreciate what we have. Perfection does not exist, stop looking for it. Imperfections make everything & everyone unique. Right?

Learn the Serenity Prayer & use it. It works.

Hearts get broken & feelings get hurt even if locked away tightly.

People come and people leave & don’t make the journey with a negative however it ended..it ended because their lesson was taught, or yours was learned. We are all here to lift each other up & help each other grow.

What are you doing to help?

Be Blessed & Be a Blessing!

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Unexpected blessings January 31, 2011

Filed under: Fibromyalgia — sassynurse @ 8:14 pm

The morning was crap &  I had to get Driver’s License since it expired on bday. I didn’t want to look like I just crawled out from under a rock so I decided to straighten my hair. By the time that was done, once again it was a waste of my spoons. I overheated and started to sweat… thus making my hair fuzzy all over again. *sigh* My hair hadn’t been cut since April of last year (2010) and it just fell flat no matter what. I looked in the mirror feeling disgusted with everything I saw.  I can’t do much else to help the hair situation and I had to ration out my spoons for the other tasks I needed to complete.

Getting dressed was without incident. I just had to tolerate the pain from the movements of putting each piece of clothing on. I wasn’t going to complain about that because it could be and has been worse.

I dig in my closet for sensible shoes to match my outfit.. black.. easy. Nope. Pull out a pair that looked like they had a chemical peel. (again. WTH?) My favorite shoes! They were comfy and looked cool too. ARGH! I dig out my black boots. I got the first one on.. Struggled with enough muscle strength getting the second one on, but took a deep breath and pulled will all I could! Cool they still fit since I gained my fatness.  Things are looking up! I stood up and walked back to the bedroom to look for something. UGH! My feet hurt! So, with hubby’s help.. off they come and back in the closet looking for another pair. I finally found a pair I could tolerate. By then, I am ready for bed and I haven’t even left the house.

I sat down, cooled down, and decided to do a little with my face to try to cover the rosacea on my cheeks & the malasma on my forehead that refuses to leave me!! So I began to put makeup on. Halfway through, I start with the sweating again! (WTH?) Again..another waste of spoons. I continued anyway..blotting the sweat away while trying not to mess up my work too bad. I knew that as long as I skipped using powder it wouldn’t look cakey if the temperature gauge in my brain continued to give me fits. I just needed to finish and get outside to cool down. Let’s not even talk about how I have never had the energy or arm strength to take care of my eyebrows. All I can say is I am thankful for those little tiny shavers for quick jobs and that cream foundation by Covergirl that Ellen always talks about with th little white swirl in it. It works well to cover the battle scars of the daily war with my body. If I ignored the chubbiness & sweat beads on my forehead.. I didn’t look sick! (The chubbiness & sweat beads are because of fibro/CFS.. but I need some silver lining!)

Ok, so off to the BMV..That was a pain at first because they had to have proof of my address and of course I had nothing! I’m disabled but don’t get disability, the bills are in hubby’s name. Luckily hubby thought about the informational  letter from the IRS..but it was at home! ARGH!!! REALLY?? After all I went through to get there?!?! Walking out I took a deep breath and said “Oh well, everything happens for a reason.. there’s a reason it happened this way.” The bright side, I was out of the house & the sun was shining.

I decided I would like to get my hair cut since it hadn’t been done since last April. I needed a new style. Well, a style period… I had an angel from heaven as my stylist, Bethany! Scalp massage, conditioning treatment, waxed eyebrows… she cut my hair like I wanted without me having to think too much and get flustered bcuz the words wouldn’t come out. She was even the conversationalist! I was almost in tears when she twirled me around to face the mirror & I saw my new do. The fuzzy mess I walked in with was gone. I looked like… a “normal”. I thanked her for making my day such a wonderful experience. Hubby paid her and we left.

I was running low on spoons but knowing that bad weather is coming that will rob me of spoons anyway.. I wanted to make the most of today while I had the chance. It had been since June that ate in a restaurant and even longer since I have eaten in a restaurant with my hubby. So we went to eat Chinese. Our waitress remembered my husband from getting take out but had never seen me. She was so precious and doting. Told me how pretty I looked. She had no idea I was sick, or that I just had my hair done.  Another angel adding to my sunshine.

I am not a vain person in the least but I have never thought of myself as being ugly either. Most have seen my pictures on Facebook of when I tried modeling. Truth be told.. I was that skinny only because my doctors had me taking amphetamines & was smoking cigarettes. However, 4 years I stopped smoking. My thyroid has slowly been dying since.. and that’s when the weight started coming on, despite taking the hormones…using the treadmill. I have never been a big eater. I rarely even clean my plate. I’m telling you this because that’s the story behind my weight gain. I think it’s fair to say that it’s not all my fault. It’s quite a knock to the ego to gain 80-90 pounds and have people leave me because of it. Yes, friends have completely stopped talking to me when they saw a picture taken with my friend Roxie after I gained weight. So, hopefully NOW you see why it meant so much to hear the waitress tell me I was pretty. A stranger with no obligation whatsoever thought I was pretty. No, it wasn’t for a higher tip.. we have gone there enough that she knows she will get a good tip anyway.

After so many gray days filled with pain, fatigue, frustration, and being trapped in the house by the weather…I finally got the recharge I needed! My spirit has been soaring since.

After that, we returned home to get the IRS letter and go back to the BMV to get my license. Even though I was tired and really started to feel my activities in my muscles.. I decided I would borrow a spoon from tomorrow and in the long run would be less spoons to use, because I would have to start all over with the hair, makeup, dressing and shoes to go another day. We walked in to the BMV, got called right up to the counter..a few questions, mugshot and about 2 minutes later we were headed home again.  WOW! Really?? That was easy.

I seriously was doubting leaving the house after all I had gone through to just get ready.. but between Bethany, the waitress, the lady at the counter at the BMV, and hubby driving me.. my day has ended with me feeling so incredibly blessed that I had to spend the time writing about it!! My only hope was to survive it without suffering too much!

I hope there’s something for everyone who reads this to take away..but my message to you..You never know what someone is going through or being forced to endure when you meet them but the smallest gestures can deeply touch someone’s heart and raise their spirit to soar. My experiences with these people today have put me in a place that I feel strong again and able to deal with the pain from pushing too much today and the bad weather for the next few days.

If you are someone experiencing a difficult life like me, don’t forget to look for the angels you are given. They are all around you, you just need to appreciate them… they have more meaning that way. Sometimes..it’s a friend or two on Facebook or Twitter that reach out when you struggle.

I am sick.. I am tired..I hurt….but I am BLESSED.

 

My promise.. January 26, 2011

Filed under: Fibromyalgia,Relationships/Family — sassynurse @ 5:15 pm

If you’re alone, I’ll be your shadow.
If you want to cry, I’ll be your shoulder.
If you want a hug, I’ll be your pillow.
If you need to be happy, I’ll be your smile…
But anytime you need a friend, I’ll just be me.

 

It is not enough to be compassionate January 21, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassynurse @ 11:44 am

“It is not enough to be compassionate. You must act. There are two aspects to action. One is to overcome the distortions and afflictions of your own mind, that is, in terms of calming and eventually dispelling anger. This is action out of compassion. The other is more social, more public. When something needs to be done in the world to rectify the wrongs, if one is really concerned with benefitting others, one needs to be engaged, involved.” ~Dalai Lama

 

How does your foot taste now? September 29, 2009

Two things are infinite:
the universe and human stupidity;
and I’m not sure about the universe.
~ Albert Einstein

Forgive me… I just feel the need to rant for a minute about the stupidity of people when it comes to dealing with chronic illness. I say stupidity instead of ignorance because there is a HUGE difference.

Ignorance is genuinely not knowing something. If you don’t know about something then it is your responsibility to seek knowledge and/or understanding before you speak about it or on behalf of it.

Stupidity is just speaking about something without the knowledge or caring to understand.

Sooo that being said to all you “normals” out there that have chosen to act stupidly in my presence when it comes to my illnesses and/or diseases, don’t. Just don’t say a damn word. You don’t know me, you don’t know my coping mechanisms, abilities, or tolerance levels.
Since I was a teen I was on the go from the time my feet hit the floor early in the morning until almost midnight. I went to high school, I worked since 14, volunteered as a tutor, AND took college classes.

I started nursing school in 2002 as a newly divorced mother of two kids. I worked, went to college, and took care of my kids. During the first year of college I had 3 major surgeries within 5 months all done on a Friday and I was back to class on Monday. I was also homeless at one point during that time.

NOW, talk to me about “staying determined”. Now, even with 3 diseases I constantly battle every minute of the day I am the Executive Director & Treasurer of a non-profit charity that on some days I have to run from my bed. Determined? Maybe not to some people, but I AM determined to make everyone who judges me for a second to feel as stupidly as you act.

The lesson here? Know what the hell you’re talking about before you question my determination and forgive me if I might wish for a break from the external forces that causes me so much pain from time to time. (Like the weather) I didn’t mean to disturb you!

 

Today, Fibro might’ve won my body… September 12, 2009

Filed under: Fibromyalgia — sassynurse @ 6:47 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

“I like living.
I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable..
racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know
quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.”
~Agatha Christie~

Today… I think my body decided that it’s time to go down for the count. Sitting up is tiring! So this is going to be short in all likelihood. I did manage to work on a few things for CWL from my bed this morning then a fever came and now I’m fighting the urge to lay down & quit. I feel yucky and want to take a bath but I know that even changing clothes is going be a chore. This is when I really get frustrated with being sick. I can do without being able to do things I WANT to do in life most days.. but the things I NEED to do are harder to handle when I can’t. It really really sucks to have to find a compromise with your own freakin body…

Yes.. I know it could be worse.. a lot worse. Which is why I don’t post many negatives. I hate feeling like I’m complaining. There are times tho that I get so frustrated with the limitations imposed upon me that I just need to say “I HATE YOU FIBRO & stop dragging me down!” to get rid of the negativity that can often poison my thoughts.

Today, Fibro might’ve won my body… but I won’t let it have my thoughts too…

 

Finish each day & be done with it September 10, 2009

Filed under: Fibromyalgia — sassynurse @ 10:36 am
Tags: , , ,

*Finish each day & be done with it.
You have done what you could;
some blunders & absurdities have crept in;
forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day;
you shall begin it serenely &
with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense*
~Ralph Waldo Emerson~

I was still dead tired after sleeping 10 hours the night before, fell asleep around 10pm and CRASH!!! Two brat cats knocked over a whole container of paint brushes from the highest shelf in my craft area. A bit later, I start dozing off again and one of them was climbing again knocking stuff around.

I’d bet money.. it was this one:

Bella

Bella

Sooo… I got up thinking it would give me a chance to let the nice little adrenaline rush die down and work on … well you know.. my charity stuff. LOL (by now that’s probably a given) Well, thankfully a wonderful friend on Twitter kept me company for a while. I LOVE Twitter for the gifts it’s given me… friends at any hour, for any problem or reason. 🙂

I finally got back to sleep around 1:30am and slept until 6:30am. I do feel better today mood wise & body wise. No guarantees that it’ll last so as I’ve learned in the 5 years of being sick… enjoy every moment while it does last. Even short periods of feeling ok make it easier to deal with the not so good periods of time.  Fibro absolutely taught me to be thankful for each descent moment, because in 5 minutes it could very well change. Even in bad moments I try to remind myself that I’ve had worse times and others definitely do. It also taught me that when the bad ones pass, let them go and don’t look back. If there’s something I know caused it then try to do better to prevent it, but beyond that don’t waste spoons trying to figure out or beating myself up about it. Any negativity causes more pain & fatigue, whether from myself or someone else. Sometimes it’s the little mind games we play with ourselves that helps us get through… and I’ve learned a few of them along the way. The best of them is to try to find something… anything to be thankful for each & every day. I am also good at telling myself that nothing lasts forever and this too shall pass.

I’m happy today and glad that yesterday has passed..